Confession
by Uliczka
Summary: Snape's confession about his school days, his friends and enemies, his love and his life after. r&r if you want... my first fic posted here.


"Confession"

****

My name is Severus Snape. I'm a wizard.  I'm potions master in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I'm Head of Slytherin, one of four Houses.

I am a traitor.

Whole my life reposed on a betrayal. Mine or someone's.

I was brought up in a very old, magic family. They were so called "family with traditions". They didn't understand me.

Traditions didn't help them.

I have no family. My parents were killed by Lord Voldemort, Him-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

It was my first betrayal.

I never cried for them. I didn't fell emotionally connected with them. I let everyone to forget about them. I never even was on their graves.

My kin's die out. I'm the last descendent of Snapes. If I have some far family, which is nearly impossible, I don't know anything about them.

I'm alone.

There were some moments, when I wanted to change something in my life. But I never did. Maybe I was too little courageous.

There were some moments, when I wanted to finish with myself. But I never did. I think I'm a coward.

I wasn't popular in school. Crammer. Freak. That's what they called me. Once I thought I had friends, but they traited me.

Betrayal appeared in all the most important moments of my life.

I've got bloody Dark Mark on my arm. Voldemort's sign.

Why I joined this accumulation? I think because of my contrariness. I knew they are killers. I knew they were them, who killed my parents. I think I was bitter. I think.****

Quickly I became a spy. A traitor. It was in me. I had been giving information to Dumbledore. It was the one good think I have done in my life. Maybe once I did a thing as it should have been done.

Even if now I'm not so sure of it.

Love? Of course, I'm not so destitute of any feelings. Yes, there was one girl, who I loved. With all my heart. And I thought she loved me. One can say we were happy with each other for a short time. So what? She traited me. She married someone else. She gave him a son.

I loved her.

I loved you Lily, you knew that!

Lily… Lily is gone. Lily Potter is dead. She too was killed by Lord Voldemort. I knew He wanted to kill her husband. But I didn't do anything. I was bitter. I never forgave it myself. I could help them. I could save them…

It was long time ago. Very long. I don't regret now.****

Hate… Yes, there was a lot of hate in my life.

I hated my parents. They never understand me. I was only their descendent. Their heir. They didn't see a human in me.

I hated Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew and James Potter.

Remus… I thought we were friend. But he was hiding that he is a werewolf. He was friend of them. And they didn't want me. 

I hate Peter Pettigrew. I still hate him. He's despicable traitor, worse than me. He betrayed his friend for Voldemort. Because of him, James and Lily Potter are dead.

Sirius Black. I never had a definite reason to hate him. It was him, who hated me. Because I was friend of Amanda. And he was in love with her.  That's why he wanted to kill me. In point of fact, I forgave him. I understand him.

I think it's simple, why I hated James Potter. He loved Lily. I loved her too. I don't know who she loved. Once I thought it was me. Then, I didn't know.

I still don't know. But it's unimportant, now.

Who is Amanda? Amanda is my friend. She was my friend. The one that I had. She was Amanda Willkins. I met her in the train. She was friend of that Potter's gang too. But she has never left me.

Amanda loved me. I can say it completely sincerely. She loved me. But I didn't love her. She was only a friend.

I could be with her, of course. But I didn't want to. I think I was too proud. I could only hurt her.

Amanda is dead. She joined the Death Eaters with me. She went there by me. After Voldemort's defeat she was taken to Azkaban. And she died there.

I should feel guilty for her feath. But I don't.

I hate Lord Voldemort. He's powerful, evil wizard. Everyone knows that. I hate him by all my heart. He killed everyone, who I loved.

After Potters' death, after Amanda's imprisonment, I became lonely. For a year I traveled. I couldn't get myself together. I haven't got anyone. Anyone and anything. I was alone.

Just like now.

Dumbledore took care of me. He wrote to me. He wanted me to become a teacher. I agreed. As a matter of fact, what choice did I have? I came to Hogwarts. I even become head of Slytherin. I'm adjusted to them. Even if when I was in school by myself, I was a Gryffindor.

But not much people know about it.

I even like this work. I teach Potions. Interesting thing, but I always wanted to teach Defence Against the Dark Arts. Everyone knows that. But no one knows why.

Because I want to protect them. I want to protect these children from my lot. They shouldn't make the same mistakes. Nobody deserves this lot.

Nobody besides me.

My first class… I remember them very good. We liked each other. I was young, we understood each other. We were different only in experience. It was one, but very important difference.

I wasn't like this, then. I was calmer maybe. In point of fact, I needed help for those first years. I didn't want to admit that. But for those first years I was trying to get myself together form those problems.

And then I came to conclusion that it's best to clam up.

It wasn't my best decision.

I remember that one turning-point in my life. It was ten years ago. That's when I made this decision.

Dumbledore was talking with professor McGonagall. I was sitting in teachers' room and checking essays.

The discussion was about those times. When Dark Lord was terrorizing our world. We were wondering "Will he come back?"

And the Dumbledore remind us about him. About Harry Potter.

Ad then, after four years of trying not to remember, everything came back to me. Lily, Amanda, my friends and everything. I didn't want it. It was good for me, as it was.

But now I couldn't forget.

That's the reason I became what I am. Because I want to forget. Because this is easer. Not to remember.

But how, the hell, not to remember, when I have Harry Potter in school?!

This boy is very like Lily. He's got her eyes. And there is something in his moves.

This boy has a lot of luck.

Do I hate him? I don't know. It is a kind of glumness. Hate is not a good word.

He's her son, at all.

And son of James. It's easier to hate him that way. Because he's his child.

Even if he is not.

What am I like? I'm alone. I'm dreary, clam up, sarcastic and cynical bastard. Everyone knows that and everyone treats me like that. And they're right. No one knows what I used to be like. Even Dumbledore doesn't know whole truth.

Everyone hates me, and they have reasons. I am who I am. It the easiest for me. It's egoism, but I don't care. No one will remember me.

It was in me, I think. Because no one can become like that. I think.

Would I like to change something? No. I don't want to, now.

I'm thirty five. One can say I'm young. But I don't feel so. I don't want to change anything. It's not worth it.

Or maybe it is?

This is my story. Story about the man, no one will remember.

My name is Severus Snape. This is my… kind of… confession.

(A/N: Forgive me for my language mistakes, I'm Polish, my English is still too low to write grammatically…)


End file.
